Warning: do not read this while you’re breastfeeding or pumping. it has been described to me by other Moms as a “trigger” and I don’t want to take responsibility for anyone’s sudden onset depression.

Once upon a time, when Teddy was in the NICU, I was told to pump every 2 hours, which I did. I had a lot of milk. A LOT of milk. Like….I had to sleep with nursing pads until Teddy stopped nursing, which was at 11 months. I realize a lot of you are rolling your eyes because this is a “good problem” but I need to set the stage.

So by the time Teddy was 5 months old, I had a TON of milk stored up in my freezer. I thought at the time that I would wean him soon after and basically be able to keep giving him breast milk via bottle for a few additional months with my supply.

We were about to move across the country and I spent a lot of time researching the best way to transport a large amount of frozen breastmilk safely (spoiler – there is no easy or cheap way). The night before our move, I loaded up approximately 3 months worth of milk (really) into massive, expensive cooler boxes I had bought on Amazon, along with a ton of dry ice and newspaper. I sat with Teddy on the floor of our empty apartment while Alex lugged them to FedEx.

That’s when I got the call. The call from Alex. Telling me that FedEx told him it would cost eight hundred dollars to overnight my milk. Neither of us were willing to add this extravagant cost to the already 100 million dollars we were spending on this move (or at least it FELT like 100 million dollars). So what did Alex do? He left the milk by a garbage can on the corner of 5th Ave & 12th Street. That’s right – right next to that beautiful church. Two massive containers full of breastmilk. My blood, sweat and tears. All those nights pumping in the dark, listening to a podcast about the life of Theodore Roosevelt. Gone forever.

Ok have you recovered? I haven’t.